| [Note from Ervina] One And All:
I hijack my sister's identity with only the most sincere intention of revealing to her readers the talents she so modestly endeavors to hide from the general public. I was recently made aware of her ability to conjure within a few minute's time the most comical and yes even brilliant masterpieces of wording. Give her the simplest of suggestions and she will take it to its fullest creative potential. Of course, you understand that this piece you are about to enjoy should be read aloud to you by none other than the author herself, but until you someday arrive in a position of that honor, I'm afraid you shall have to allow your dramatic imagination to suffice.
So without further ado, I give you... The Hidden Life of Spoons
Few men alive know the mysterious, yet suspiciously vicious life of our everyday spoons. The invention of the spoon originated in silence, but because of it we have thrived in our mannerisms. Surprisingly, we believe we own our spoons but really, it is they who scoff at us, one bite at a time.
Each spoon has a task: to run down the human race. Some hideous teaspoons have given up their own lives... taking a running leap into a garbage disposal, hoping that even a small piece of their shredded shrapnel will plunge into human skin.
Others try the choking method, gauging themselves down an unsuspecting eater's throat. Triumphantly they walk away from the crime scene, leaving the blame on a poor, unsuspecting glob of food. Surprisingly, the life of a spoon extends past the crime scene; its status elevated by its place in society. The rich, though usually proud and fat, are used to serve soup or ladle punch at sophisticated parties or diners. The carefree (though most times intensely dedicated to their task) are the kitchen slaves, spending their time testing pies or puddings for the cooks.
Stupidity reigns high in teen spoons and many leave the shelter of their cupboards by leaping silently into trash cans or laundry baskets. Their ecstasy, however, is short-lived as they are either drowned in the washer or chopped up in a garbage truck. Their parents and loved ones will never sort through the mystery of what became of their everyday spoon-child.
Unmannerly children can be found unknowingly bestowing torture upon a spoon - usually the most flimsy or age-spotted - by using the spoon as a food catapult to hurl a scrap of food from one side of the table to the other. This is an excruciating form of spoon torture, and the backs of many granddaddy and young spoons show permanent damage. Many spoons have met their demise in the form of a sandbox scoop and have disappeared forever, covered with rust and the scent of decaying spoon flesh.
Although the life of a spoon may seem dreadfully sorrowful or without purpose, do not fret: many a spoon's greatest joy come in serving us humans in our everyday needs.
However, do beware of the deceitfulness in the reflection a spoon gives you. It was never meant to be a mirror; rather a stumbling block in how you view tourself. "Make them look bloated," it taunts, "then we will be free!" Do not listen to the voice of those who only seek to betray you, instead look to a Higher Power and
Beware I tell you! Beware the Vicious Life of the Spoon!
Claudia Ferne Barkman
Writing Assignment
Composed within ten minutes |
